WHAT IS THE ISMS PROJECT 2.0?
In 2021, I launched the Isms Project, a photo series documenting the Muslim marriage crisis. Myself and a team of Muslim female creatives, interviewed and photographed four Muslim women from across the country to discuss the isms, or prejudices, they faced in their pursuit of love and marriage. The first part of the series highlighted encounters with sexism, ageism, racism and colorism. Along with the photos, we included a quote from each woman to discuss how the ism impacted her search for a spouse. The project gained widespread mainstream media coverage, with features in Newsweek, AJ+, and the Washington Post.
With the attention, came more stories. Dozens and dozens of women came forward to share the challenges they faced when trying to get married. This second iteration of the photo series, the Isms Project 2.0, explores new themes: the stigma of divorce, sizeism and ableism. These isms were chosen not only based on the frequency of the experience, but on the sensitivity of the subject. Just as in the first part of the series, we wanted to bring the taboo topics to the forefront and use Islamic principles to dismantle long standing stigmas.
DIVORCEISM
SIZEISM
ABLEISM
MEET THE TEAM
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Photographer: Irum Ibrahim
is an author, writer, and photographer based out of Detroit, MI. She is passionate about storytelling through various mediums.
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Videographer & Producer: Betsy Montes
Is a digital marketing specialist and filmmaker on the East Coast. She enjoys blogging, activism, and traveling.
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Research Consultant: Anum Ahmed
Is a writer, educator, and research consultant from the Bay Area. She is currently working on her PhD in Communication and Media Studies examining how we think of and talk about Muslim identity.
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Special Assistance The Weekend of The Shoot:
Makeup Artists: Mauro Solorio and Seema Saleem
Production Crew: Amel and Amanie Falol
In an effort to make a bigger impact, this year (2022) we teamed up with the Salams App; the popular Muslim Marriage, Friendship, & Networking app. Salams is the proud sponsor of the ISMS Project 2.0 and is committed to bringing awareness to the various stigmas that surround Muslim women in their marriage-seeking process. To provide more analysis on the subject matter, we produced a documentary that highlights the women’s stories, and provides insight from Muslim researchers, scholars, matchmakers, and marital therapists. The photo series and documentary aim to offer solace to women who are struggling to get married, while also informing others of the issues in an effort to combat the marriage crisis. We hope our viewers will continue the conversation within their own communities about how to cultivate better values on the way to creating healthy and strong Muslim families.
ISMS PROJECT DOCUMENTARY
With the great sponsorship and support of Salams App, we were able to produce a 30 minute documentary with insight from experts in the field. Last year, our mini- documentary focused on individual testimonies as we explored how racism, ageism and sexism affects the Muslim marriage market. This year, we highlighted new isms— divorce-ism, sizeism and ableism— and included expert testimony from interviews with Muslim therapists, matchmakers, and an Islamic scholar to bring new light to the complexities of the marriage crisis.
Two matchmakers, Yasmin Elhady and Rahma Rebecca Hossain, provided insight as to how young Muslims struggle to find spouses due to cultural stigmas and practical barriers. A Muslim scholar and marriage counselor, Shaykh Jabir Tarin, explained why there is currently a marriage crisis and how we can learn to tackle the stigmas. We also included an interview from a Muslim therapist from Texas and a researcher from FYI to discuss what they’re seeing in the community and how Muslim women can protect themselves from the emotional roller coaster that comes with the marriage market.
The insight from our experts, coupled with the real and raw stories from the women we featured in the photo series, tell a compelling story about the dangers of these stigmas, while providing a message of hope for positive change in the future.
Special thanks to:
Jabir Tarin- Mental Health Professional and Religious Director at Wasilah Connections
Abida Minhas– Counselor, Impact Counselors, Allen, TX
Yasmin Elhady– comedian and Muslim matchmaker, wife & mother
Amal Killawi–The Family and Youth Institute’s family and marriage researcher
Rahma Rebecca Hossain– President of Islamic Services for Deaf & Hard of Hearing
Sandra Labadia- ASL interpreter
THE WEDDING GOWNS
Every girl imagines herself a bride. For better, or for worse, the ability to don a wedding dress is part of the (idealized) path to happily-ever-after.
I wanted our models to feel like brides in custom-made gowns by Laterry Mohsin of Sew Modest Studio. I was blessed to be able to work with Laterry on part one and two of the series. In constructing the vision for this year’s designs, I told Laterry about the interviews I had with women during my search for new models. She brilliantly was able to encompass the emotions of the demoralized, frustrated, yet resilient and confident women, and transform them into garments that helped us to capture the breadth of each woman’s story on screen.
When it came to the vision for the stigma of divorce, both Laterry and I wanted the dresses to be bold. Usually, divorcees who get remarried are told to make their second weddings very simple and without much fuss. Such advice is indicative of the shame that is associated around divorce in Muslim and ethnically diverse communities. The purple and pink colors for the divorce-ism dresses really stand in defiance to that attitude and should remind women to search and enter new marriages without shame.
VELA SCARVES
These days, hijab companies are popping up like daisies. Although many claim to support Muslim women, few have made efforts to do so outside of providing them with trendy headscarves and clothing. VELA Scarves however, rise above the rest. This company has made an honest effort to ensure that their annual goals include supporting charities and uplifting marginalized groups. VELA routinely donates to those suffering from war ravaged areas in conflict zones, and facilitates conversations about important topics like domestic violence. When I sought support for the Isms Project 2.0, the founders were enthralled by the concepts and enthusiastic to assist us through sponsorship and scarves.
The colors and soft fabrics of these hijabs brought the costumes to life. Each one gave a different flavor to the story we were trying to tell. When our models put on their scarves, they felt empowered to stand in front of the camera and against any stigmas or fears that haunted her.
Model wears Vela, Black Onyx
Model wears Vela, Rose Gold Silk Chiffon
Model wears Vela: Brilliant Silver Silk Chiffon
Model wears Vela, Natural Stone
DIVORCE-ISM
What is the stigma of divorce?
After last year’s launch of the Isms Project, I had women from across the U.S and around the globe, reaching out to discuss the challenges they were facing finding love. I was surprised to learn that women who have been previously married had some of the worst experiences in the marriage market. They wore the ultimate scarlet letter. People around them expressed the sentiment that they were at the bottom of the dating pool. One woman said that men viewed her as “old” and less desirable because she was no longer a virgin. She noticed that when potential suitors found out she was divorced, they were more likely to engage with poor etiquette, and sexual innuendos, insinuating that she is likely to transgress bounds because she was no longer a chaste woman. I’ve been told more than once that men who seek polygny flock to divorced women because they have fewer options.
These attitudes aren’t just from the men– they exist and are perpetuated by other women. Because of the cultural baggage that is associated with divorce, sometimes community members and other married women cut off ties with divorcees. Why? This may have to do with some fear that their own husbands will consider taking the new divorcee as a second wife.
I’ve heard women, matchmakers or mothers, tell divorcees that they should be willing to consider men that don’t fit all their criteria because they should be happy anyone is willing to marry them. This induces shame and pressure for a woman to overlook her worth and values just to get married.
What’s even more concerning is the phenomenon of divorced men turning down divorced women simply because they are divorced. Divorced Muslim men seem to have an easier time getting remarried. Even if he has children, there are more women willing to enter those relationships than the inverse. If a woman is a single mother, her chances of getting remarried substantially decreases. The children of these women are viewed as burdens, mere dollar signs that a man must add to their monthly expense reports. This type of negative thinking is contrary to the Prophetic tradition where there are numerous stories of the Prophet Muhammad, Peace & Blessings Be Upon him, and his companions, marrying divorcees and widows often with children.
The stigma of divorce is harmful for women not only trying to get re-married, but those who want to leave abusive marriages. Due to the belief that they will be ostracized from their community and never have another opportunity to get married and have children, many women remain in toxic or abusive relationships. We must confront the stigma to free our Muslim sisters from the fear that keeps them from leaving their abusers. Organizations like Wasilah Connections created to serve the divorced and single women in the Muslim community in the Bay Area, provides social services and support circles to help women before or after a divorce. We need more organizations like this to help heal the wounds of those suffering.
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“To be divorced, female, and Muslim is the ultimate scarlet letter. In our community, potential suitors see us as leftovers, or damaged goods. But there were fruits that we cultivated in our first marriage: growth spurts, milestones met, children born and faith deepened. Fruits, not burdens. And yet, these fruits are used against us.”
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“The end of a marriage doesn’t signify our worth. With tawakal, we know that whatever Allah has written for us, whether it be marriage or a new life’s purpose, we will rise above the challenges and achieve all we aim to be.”
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29 years old, American Entrepreneur from Wisconsin.
“I got married a few years after I converted to Islam. Not knowing all of my rights religiously, I ended up in an abusive marriage. It took several years to divorce him. After beginning the healing process, which included going to therapy, I started to date again. I would ask people in my community to set me up, and if I wasn’t interested, they would tell me I shouldn’t be too picky. That I should settle for whoever came my way. This attitude showed up again and again throughout my search. It was insulting and made me feel small.” - K. G.
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30 years old, Indian-American Techie from California
“I used to experiment with my dating app profile. Some months I’d write divorced, some months not. I wasn’t ashamed of my past, but I wanted to give myself a chance to demonstrate who I was, apart from the status. There was one time I met a guy who overlooked my marital status. Over an introductory phone call, after a half hour of chatter, I mentioned my ex, and after a few excuses, he hurried to end the call. Never heard from him again.
It’s been like that. The men, even the ones who have been divorced, can’t seem to get past a woman with a past. Why won’t they understand that I’ve done the work to enter a new marriage?” - A.P.
Model wears VELA, Black Onyx
EXPLANATION OF PHOTOS
I wanted to showcase how common this stigma is by putting two women in the shot. The shoot took place in farmland in Bolinas, California. The rolling hills, tall grasses and cows roaming around in the background helped tell the tale of the woman who has lived a full life. I wanted the setting to speak to how a woman who is seeking love for a second time has already done so much work. She has survived the difficulties that come with cultivating a marriage. Just as a farmer plants seeds and does the work to harvest in the spring, a divorcee ready for marriage again has done the work she needs to enter into a new relationship. Both the emotional and physical labor that goes into separation and healing is the symbolism I hoped to show from the farm setting.
In the “ism photo,” the women hold pomegranates. These represent the fruits that were grown in their first marriage. Women are so often represented in art holding an apple to symbolize the Creation story of Adam & Eve. However, I replaced it with a pomegranate to symbolize love and fertility. The love they hold isn’t the love from their first marriage, but the love they have shown themselves in their healing process, and the love they hold for someone new. I also wanted the fruit to be representative of children who are the fruits of any woman’s first marriage.
SIZE-ISM
What is Sizeism?
A woman has always been judged by her appearance. Although stigmas against men exist when it comes to height and even hairlines, a woman’s beauty is always seen as the primary indicator of her value. Throughout history, beauty standards have changed. A love for voluptuous hips morphed into an obsession with thin-rail bodies. Now, trends on Tik Tok and medical procedures have women dying to change their lip size. Maybe it’s not always in the aims of getting a man, but the desire to adapt one’s body to meet the satisfaction of society’s standards, is there.
The textbook definition for sizeism is “prejudice or discrimination on the grounds of a person's size or weight.” We wanted to start a conversation around a woman’s size, and the importance that plays in her ability to get matches. For Muslims, modesty is supposed to be what’s most prized when it comes to her appearance. Somehow, this value is overlooked when a woman becomes an eligible bachelorette. Her value as a prospective bride shrinks if she’s not a size 6. Sizeism exists in the Muslim community–it’s just not talked about.
When I interviewed Muslim women about this topic, I heard similar stories: parents who put their young girls on weight loss diets, matchmakers who chided them about their size, and men who said that her pretty face didn’t make up for “big body.” Different women, from different ethnic communities, but the same stories. If a woman is anything, but thin, she’s at the bottom of the pool for marriage. Such behavior is contradictory to Islamic teachings that emphasize a focus on religiosity and character over physical appearance. Living in a world where filtered and photoshopped photos dominate our social media, we must fight the pressure to judge and choose one another solely based on appearances. While beauty and physical attraction are prophetic considerations for marriage, there's a need to interrogate our current standards that result in harmful communal behavior and fewer successful marriages. Speaking out about the body shaming that exists in our community is just one example of how we can begin to challenge society’s ever-changing beauty standards.
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34 years old, Egyptian American, middle-school educator from Minnesota
“Ever since I can remember, I’ve been self-conscious about my weight. The commentary wasn’t always direct. Sometimes it was a stare if I took an extra helping of dinner, or a referral to a new gym. I always knew what they wanted to say– lose weight. Yet, it didn’t really impact my day-to-day until I started looking for a spouse. I would go on dates with these guys from the apps, and they would say, you’ve got a pretty face, but I just don’t want to end up with a big girl. Aren’t I more than just my body?” - A.A
Model wears VELA, Brilliant Silver Silk Chiffon
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“It took a few years to work through the hurt– that sting that came from the body shaming and rejection. When I deepened the practice of my faith, and began to love myself just as God created me, I found peace. I now know I am more than a number on a scale. I am more than just my body. And inshaAllah the right man will know this too.” - A.A
EXPLANATION OF PHOTOS
In the sizeism photo, the models' wrists are chained together by measuring tape. The measuring tape represents the pressure society has imposed on a woman to be the perfect size. The model looks directly at the camera in a haunting pose. Her face is expressionless. Her hands balled in fists, with the shackles of the measuring tape hanging in front of her. The setting is in San Francisco, near the Golden Gate Bridge in a wooded area called Lover’s Lane.
The second photo, the female empowerment shot, has our model standing in a prayer-pose. Her eyes are closed, and her hands resting on her heart. The fog is all around her, but she doesn’t notice, because she’s transcending time and space in serenity, waiting, praying that her lover, her husband-to-be, will find her.
ABLE-ISM
What is ableism?
In our swipe-left culture, there are so many reasons why a person may get passed over by a prospective suitor. Whether one is divorced, or plus-size, or “too dark,” being different comes with its challenges, especially when finding love. For those with disabilities, love and marriage comes with its own challenges. We chose to highlight ableism, which is the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that typical abilities are superior, because it’s not necessarily a taboo topic, it’s just a non-topic in general. And yet, there are whole organizations like for Muslims with disabilities like Muhsen and Global Deaf Muslim, that work to bring important issues about accessibility to the forefront.
This stigma isn’t just pervasive for individuals with physical disabilities, but also those with mental disabilities. However, in this series, we highlight just one experience; that of a woman who is hard of hearing. The woman’s story is not representative of all people with disabilities. Sana from Massachusetts, tells how her disability made it difficult for her to connect with the Muslim community as a whole. When it came to seeking love, she realized she would have to do and say more to get potential suitors or matchmakers to look past her disability. She still needs accommodations such as captions for Zoom matchmaking calls, and in-person meetings for potentials where FaceTime might normally suffice.
In the documentary, we included a matchmaker for the deaf community based out of the organization, Islamic Services for Deaf and Hard of Hearing (ISDHH). She talks about the difficulties her clients face and how she herself overcame them when she met and married her husband who is hearing. Just like how Love on the Spectrum aims to dispel ideas about people with autism being unable to find and maintain romantic relationships, we hope that this part of the photo series brings positive attention on the needs and access points for Muslims with disabilities.
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33 years old, Pakistani American Scientist from Massachusetts
“I was born hard of hearing. I wore a hearing aid up until my mid-twenties when I received cochlear implants. That changed my life. Before that it was really hard navigating the Muslim community, Sunday School and Friday khutbas, because they didn’t always factor in inclusivity and accessibility. Now, as I search for love and marriage, I’m feeling it again–the otherness. Be it matchmakers or men I meet, they all want to put me in a box. Ignore my disability or handle me with care. How can I get them to really see me?” — S.H.
Model wears VELA, Natural Stone
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“When I advocate for more accessibility in the Muslim community for individuals with disabilities, some people tell me the world can’t cater to my needs. My response? I don’t expect them to. What I want is for people to find ways to be more inclusive of those with disabilities. And most of all, I want to meet someone who will consider loving me for all that I am –including my disability.” – S.H.
EXPLANATION OF PHOTOS
The woman whose story we used for this series, Sana, was unable to make the trip to California for the photo shoot. I found another woman to stand in her place, to carry out Sana’s ism story. Sana wanted us to convey a feeling of being trapped. In the photo, you’ll see a blue net. The fisherman’s net is symbolic of the stigma. The stigma that says people with disabilities must be put in a box, held with care, separated from the rest. It is the stigma, not the disability, that leaves the woman feeling trapped, and unsure of how to find the romantic partnership through marriage that she’s been searching for.
In the second photo, we showcase resilience. The model is no longer sitting. She stands, looking defiantly at the camera. She’s serene and bold at the same time. She knows her worth, and her capability to do so much with the blessed body she’s been given.
MOVING PAST THE ISMS
With this photo series, I hope to increase conversation in the Muslim community (and beyond) about how these isms prevent relationships and marriages, and how with time we can overcome them. I believe these isms are not permanent features of our society, and are certainly not part of Islamic tradition.
There is a way to move past the isms. There is a way we can work towards solving the marriage crisis. I believe the answer lies in increased dialogue about the discrimination that occurs in our community, particularly in regards to women. These conversations should be initiated by our religious leaders. Our imams and scholars must step-up in educating not only young Muslims looking to get married, but also their parents, about the best practices to select a spouse, with a focus on discouraging the stigma of divorce, ableism, and sizeism.
We, as a community, must get specific about these experiences. We must shine a light on the ugliness of the isms and the cultural beliefs that perpetuate them. We need frank conversations and increased premarital workshops aimed at prioritizing Islam before culture.
By sharing stories about the types of women (widowed, divorced, working, older) that the Prophet and the Companions married, we can show how Islam elevates women and promotes diversity. If we continue to shy away from these conversations, I fear that the marriage crisis will only continue to worsen. However, if we come together and confront these isms head first, we have the potential to see a resurgence of healthy, Muslim marriages. InshaAllah.
RESOURCES
Learn about how to support those who are battling the stigmas
Muslim organization that provides support for divorced and single mothers by providing resources like access to mental health counselors and community support groups.
Is a psychological and spiritual community wellness center based in the U.S and Canada with options to connect online.
Their mission is to provide temporary housing for victims of domestic violence and women facing eviction, and/or homelessness. By connecting under resourced women in the community to job opportunities, a range of mental health and medical services, permanent housing facilities, health insurance and legal assistance, they hope to empower women to get back on their feet.
North American Islamic Shelter for the Abused:
NISA aims to address the concepts of ‘ma’roof’ and ‘munkar’: enjoining what is right & forbidding what is wrong, while examining disputes within families, as well as addressing elder abuse, premarital counseling, spiritual counseling and community outreach awareness.
Founded by Dr. Omar Suleiman and Sr. Joohi Tahir, Muhsen is a nonprofit organization that was created to serve children and adults with any intellectual, mental, or physical disability, establish an inclusive and accessible environment.
Islamic Services for Deaf and Hard of Hearing (ISDHH):
A Non-Profit organization that aims to advocate and empower the Muslim deaf community, and facilitate their understanding of Islam and their integration within the Muslim community.
PREMARITAL WORKSHOPS
Pious Hearts Matrimony & Muhsen | Marriage for Muslims with Special Needs:
Muhsen has partnered with Pious Hearts to provide matchmaking services for the community. Pious Hearts is a personal Matchmaking service that values your privacy. Their purpose is to match practicing Muslims in a halal way for the purpose of marriage.
The Family and Youth Institute:
A nonprofit that aims to empower individuals, families, and communities through research and education. The FYI provides in-person premarital workshops, an online marriage prep toolkit as well as Prepare to Pair, an online course for courting/engaged couples.
Premarital course called, The Fiqh of Love, provides on-demand video modules that cover the A to Z of Muslim marriage. It answers questions like, how do I pick a spouse or what are the rules of engagement.
Suhbah MARRIAGE PREP – STRONG COUPLES is an online and onsite certified Islamic Pre-Marital Training curriculum that brings together the best of two of the top premarital education curricula (Prepare/Enrich & SYMBIS) and is infused with Islamic principles and Fiqh of Marriage to prepare couples with skills and education to create sustainable, healthy, strong marriages.